I have watched the Star Wars movies over the years many times.  At one time or another each one of my boys has gone through a Star Wars faze when they want to watch all of the Star Wars movies over and over again.  I have seen them all many times. The past few times I have to admit I probably was doing something else while one of the boys was watching.  Kind of a been there done that attitude.  They are all good movies but my attitude was I know how it all ends so maybe I’ll direct my attention to other things while he (which ever boy that may be at the time ) enjoys the movie. This morning was no different  when the sky was gray and it was still raining outside my youngest, Kevin asked if he could watch Star Wars – Episode I – The Phantom Menace. Not a problem. In the movie went. My thought was the house will be quiet for a few hours with the two younger boys being separated while Kevin watches this movie.

I was sitting in the room with him paying some bills and tending to some email’s that needed my attention when I heard the most profound words…..The character Qui Gon is speaking to Anikan Skywalker and he says “Just remember,  your focus determines your reality”.  I stopped what I was doing and just sat there.  I repeated the words “your focus determines your reality”  All I could think at the time was. Yes. That’s it. That is exactly what has happened for me.

There was a time in the early days of the disease when my focus was on my limitations . That was all I could see, what I could no longer do.  I spent a great deal of time feeling sorry for myself and worrying if I would end up in a wheelchair or bed-ridden.  It was a really dark period of time for me and the more that I focused my energies on fear and pain the worse it seemed to get.  I had very little confidence in my rheumatologist at the time and it certainly didn’t help my state of mind whenever I questioned him about my course of treatment he would say things like “We don’t want to see you in a wheelchair, do we?  He seemed to be echoing my worst fears.

I took me several years to work up the courage to take my life back.  I read really good books that helped to change my perception of myself.  I did something that at the time was very uncomfortable for me and accepted help from anyone and everyone who offered it.  I slowly changed my thinking from what I could no longer do to what I can still do.  Every day I had to make a conscience effort to focus on the good in my life so that goodness started to become my reality.

It was not an easy transition.  I had to take a hard look at what was really important to me and I had to address what it would mean if my worst fears were realized.  Would it change who I am as a human being if I did end up in a wheelchair?  It would certainly change my reality. Things would be very different for me and my family. But would I as a woman, as a mother, as a life partner be different?  The answer came back yes and no.  Physical changes would limit my ability to do things and because of that my life would change, but fundamentally who I am would not.  I would still love my family with abundance and still share with them all my joy and happiness.  And when I really, really thought about it I came to realize that this body, my body,  is just a vessel.  Sometimes it is a little rough around the edges but still just a vessel housing the who that I am.  And most importantly I am so much more than this body that I have been given.

I still wake up every morning stiff and sore.  But my immediate thoughts are not on how the stiffness will limit my day.  My first thoughts are what will today bring? What is on the agenda for the day?  Where is my husband so I can give him a kiss?  What a nice morning hug from my Kevin  that was. Most importantly  I am so grateful for having been given this day. It has made monumental effects on my life and how I live it.